An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, and then it occurs to him what's happening. "oh, no, " he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.
Showing posts with label JOKE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JOKE. Show all posts
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up Lady".
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up Lady".
How to Annoy People in the Elevator
You know that feeling you get when you are in an elevator with a stranger? We all have it, and if you really want to make some points, try some of these!
Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting “Down! I said down, dammit!”
Ask for advice on a completely disgusting problem.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Ask people on the elevator if they’ve seen the first part of the movie Speed.
Ask, “Did you feel that?”
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit bubbles.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone’s shoes.
Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
Call out, “group hug!” then enforce it.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge your neighbor to a “Tic-Tac-Toe” tournament.
Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it’s getting to the good part.
Comment one by one, on the clothing of all the people riding in the elevator.
Countdown “5... 4... 3... 2... 1” and then suddenly duck.
Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Explain to some poor innocent stranger all about the complex dental work you supposedly received. Get them to look in your mouth and everything.
Find a crowded elevator and pace back and forth inside it.
Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
Get a vote from the entire elevator about some completely pointless issue.
Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, “Going down?”
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
Have a friend with you, but act like he’s a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, “Wanna trade?” Then promptly trade wallets.
Hit every floor button, and at each floor get out and say, “Nope, this ain’t the right one.” Get back on and ride to the next floor. Repeat.
Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
Keep muttering, “I hope it doesn’t happen again...”
Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Look at the ground while standing in the corner and moan softly.
Make chalk drawings on the walls.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
One word: Flatulence!
Pick up the emergency phone and try to order pizza.
Play the harmonica.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, “Looks okay so far,” and get back in.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Push the emergency stop button and say “Now it’s time for you all to DIE! Just kidding.” Restart the elevator.
Put notices in the elevators that read “Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 2025’’
Put on a crash helmet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, ``Ok, Dave, I’m ready. Let ‘er RIP!’’ (This doesn’t quite make sense, but hey, you can’t have everything.)
Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
Run like hell while the security guards try to find you to kick you out. (This can be applied to all)
Say “Ding!” at each floor.
Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
Say to an older lady “My you’ve got nice hair.” Pull out a pair of scissors and look suggestively at her.
Say, “Omigod, did you hear that?” And look completely panicked while not uttering a single intelligible word.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Shave.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
Sing anything by Guns ‘n’ Hosers while pantomiming the lyrics. (I love her but I had to kill her, would be good)
Sit in the corner and meditate. “Ohm.”
Stand right in front of the doors when waiting to get on. (This gets a good reaction from the people inside.)
Once inside, stand right in front of the doors, waiting to get out. (This gets a good reaction from the people waiting to get on)
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
Start a sing-along.
Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming “Aaughh! Get them off!”
Swat at flies that don’t exist
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Talk in to your cell phone as you enter on the ground floor press floor 5 and when the door closes, in a shock voice say “what do you mean there’s a gun man on the fifth floor?”
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Tell some poor soul your complete life history completely out of the blue.
Try to get a game of “Twister” going.
Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
Wait ‘til the door is almost closed then pry the doors apart with a painful expression on your face.
Walk in, and start reciting a shopping list in monotone.
Walk in, face the back and go about two inches from the back wall.
Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
Wander from corner to corner of the elevator during the course of the journey.
Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
Wear an earphone with the cord inside your jacket, carry a walkie-talkie. Once inside the elevator, stop it and say. “Williams FBI, I need to see some ID.” Look at everybody’s ID, restart the elevator and talk into your walkie-talkie saying, “It’s ok he’s not on this one. But we think he did manage to find bullets for his gun.”
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
When the doors close, look at the person next to you and yell, “Your nostrils they’re like wind tunnels, SUCKING UP ALL MY AIR!” Then scream and collapse, when the doors open, get up and calmly walk out.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
Do all of these things with a friend, while both of you are wearing trench coats and dark glasses.
Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting “Down! I said down, dammit!”
Ask for advice on a completely disgusting problem.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Ask people on the elevator if they’ve seen the first part of the movie Speed.
Ask, “Did you feel that?”
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit bubbles.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone’s shoes.
Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
Call out, “group hug!” then enforce it.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge your neighbor to a “Tic-Tac-Toe” tournament.
Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it’s getting to the good part.
Comment one by one, on the clothing of all the people riding in the elevator.
Countdown “5... 4... 3... 2... 1” and then suddenly duck.
Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Explain to some poor innocent stranger all about the complex dental work you supposedly received. Get them to look in your mouth and everything.
Find a crowded elevator and pace back and forth inside it.
Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
Get a vote from the entire elevator about some completely pointless issue.
Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, “Going down?”
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
Have a friend with you, but act like he’s a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, “Wanna trade?” Then promptly trade wallets.
Hit every floor button, and at each floor get out and say, “Nope, this ain’t the right one.” Get back on and ride to the next floor. Repeat.
Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
Keep muttering, “I hope it doesn’t happen again...”
Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Look at the ground while standing in the corner and moan softly.
Make chalk drawings on the walls.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
One word: Flatulence!
Pick up the emergency phone and try to order pizza.
Play the harmonica.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, “Looks okay so far,” and get back in.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Push the emergency stop button and say “Now it’s time for you all to DIE! Just kidding.” Restart the elevator.
Put notices in the elevators that read “Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 2025’’
Put on a crash helmet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, ``Ok, Dave, I’m ready. Let ‘er RIP!’’ (This doesn’t quite make sense, but hey, you can’t have everything.)
Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
Run like hell while the security guards try to find you to kick you out. (This can be applied to all)
Say “Ding!” at each floor.
Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
Say to an older lady “My you’ve got nice hair.” Pull out a pair of scissors and look suggestively at her.
Say, “Omigod, did you hear that?” And look completely panicked while not uttering a single intelligible word.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Shave.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
Sing anything by Guns ‘n’ Hosers while pantomiming the lyrics. (I love her but I had to kill her, would be good)
Sit in the corner and meditate. “Ohm.”
Stand right in front of the doors when waiting to get on. (This gets a good reaction from the people inside.)
Once inside, stand right in front of the doors, waiting to get out. (This gets a good reaction from the people waiting to get on)
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
Start a sing-along.
Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming “Aaughh! Get them off!”
Swat at flies that don’t exist
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Talk in to your cell phone as you enter on the ground floor press floor 5 and when the door closes, in a shock voice say “what do you mean there’s a gun man on the fifth floor?”
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Tell some poor soul your complete life history completely out of the blue.
Try to get a game of “Twister” going.
Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
Wait ‘til the door is almost closed then pry the doors apart with a painful expression on your face.
Walk in, and start reciting a shopping list in monotone.
Walk in, face the back and go about two inches from the back wall.
Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
Wander from corner to corner of the elevator during the course of the journey.
Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
Wear an earphone with the cord inside your jacket, carry a walkie-talkie. Once inside the elevator, stop it and say. “Williams FBI, I need to see some ID.” Look at everybody’s ID, restart the elevator and talk into your walkie-talkie saying, “It’s ok he’s not on this one. But we think he did manage to find bullets for his gun.”
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
When the doors close, look at the person next to you and yell, “Your nostrils they’re like wind tunnels, SUCKING UP ALL MY AIR!” Then scream and collapse, when the doors open, get up and calmly walk out.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
Do all of these things with a friend, while both of you are wearing trench coats and dark glasses.
Doctor, Nurse and Little Johnny.
A woman brings eight-year-old Little Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Little Johnny's mother says, 'Let's not be too harsh on them . they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'
'Curious about sex?..' replies Mary's mother, '.. Fortunately I reached there on time... otherwise he was about to cut her stomach by knife to remove her appendix out!'
Little Johnny's mother says, 'Let's not be too harsh on them . they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'
'Curious about sex?..' replies Mary's mother, '.. Fortunately I reached there on time... otherwise he was about to cut her stomach by knife to remove her appendix out!'
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment ( Story )
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
Two Chances
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25 th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ...
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!.'
Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after.'
Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ...
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!.'
Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after.'
Affair?
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Father?
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Wife From Hell!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns bto his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part.... ...........
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns bto his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part.... ...........
"Only when he's been drinking."
Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurtin' for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurtin' for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Who Says Blonds are Dumb?
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and though she has managed the rest amount but still a short of $500 which she needs to borrow.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $500 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $500 and the interest, which comes to $1.50.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $500?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $1.5 and expect it to be there when I return?" Very Happy
And who says blonds are dumb?
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $500 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $500 and the interest, which comes to $1.50.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $500?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $1.5 and expect it to be there when I return?" Very Happy
And who says blonds are dumb?
You Know You're Middle Aged If...?
You know you're Middle Aged if...
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Better Late Than Never?
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's
office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce
proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce
proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
The Blonde and the Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Inspiring One-Liners
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!
8. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!
9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?
11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!
8. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!
9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?
11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!
TOP 20 Reasons Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
- You can GET chocolate.
- "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
- Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- Good chocolate is easy to find.
- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
- With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!
Bill Gates and St. Peter
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clearwaters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clearwaters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Who's Boss?
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body laughed that hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes crossed and were unable to see.
They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss....
The brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body laughed that hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes crossed and were unable to see.
They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss....
My Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.
Sterilization
Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally uselless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tanto and samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha-cha.
The doctor suggested using the safe period. At that time we were staying with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It was hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt very healtjy but my wife fell pregnant.
Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent preganancy. After constant breast feeding (including my earlier attempts) my wife jumped up and down but finished with black eyes and knocked herself unconscious.
I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use one so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not suprise me as I fal to see how a Durex fitted over the top of my thumb as the chemist showed can prevent babies.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after several attemps to fit it we decided we had been given a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screx.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very pleased about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but it did give my wife several headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This worked for a while until the night she dropped the pill.
You must realise and appreciate my problem. If this application is not successful I will have to result to oral sex but just talking about it could never be a substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally uselless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tanto and samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha-cha.
The doctor suggested using the safe period. At that time we were staying with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It was hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt very healtjy but my wife fell pregnant.
Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent preganancy. After constant breast feeding (including my earlier attempts) my wife jumped up and down but finished with black eyes and knocked herself unconscious.
I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use one so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not suprise me as I fal to see how a Durex fitted over the top of my thumb as the chemist showed can prevent babies.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after several attemps to fit it we decided we had been given a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screx.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very pleased about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but it did give my wife several headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This worked for a while until the night she dropped the pill.
You must realise and appreciate my problem. If this application is not successful I will have to result to oral sex but just talking about it could never be a substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely
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