Two Chances

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25 th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'.

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ...

She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!.'

Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after.'

Affair?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Wife From Hell!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns bto his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part.... ...........

"Only when he's been drinking."

A Book For All MEN To Understand WOMEN

Dictionary For Men And Women

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life...
The wives want both!

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.